Leah’s bed: Reflections on imposter syndrome in marriage

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Ronel Grobler

I am a fellow Christ follower and married to Paul.We have two kids, two daschunds and a rescue (half Huskey, half Africanus).I am a social worker in private practise, and also the helping in Paul's data management and software company as a Culture Cultivator.

Latest posts by Ronel Grobler (see all)

• Leah’s bed: Reflections on imposter syndrome in marriage - 24 November 2024
• A life worth living - 22 January 2023
• Look at me - 3 July 2022

So there I was. On the back of a Harley Davidson Switchback motorbike, with the love of my life (my husband Paul, not the Harley). It was a Friday afternoon, and we were heading back from the beautiful D’Aria wine farm in Durbanville, Cape Town. We had our customary Friday cocktail-hour date—a time to check in on what’s happened workwise and lifewise during the past week. I had been spoilt with a lovely gin-and-tonic, as well as time away from all responsibilities and demands, and now experiencing beautiful countryside views on our way home, in close proximity to my dear husband and the feeling of closeness to nature one gets on the back of a motorcycle.

But the moment was not filled with the wonder and comfort it was intended to bring. A salty taste lingered as I tried to bite back the tears. I better not cry now. Crying in a helmet will only cause a terrible mess. Imagine trying to blow your nose through the helmet cavity whilst in motion! It sounds a bit like those pretzel-shaped stretches the yoga professionals show off when trying to impress.

So there I was, giving the occasional sniff. I realised that, with each sniff, Paul would know I was crying. We have a communication system in the helmets so he could hear what was happening at the back. And I surely did not want him to hear. What brought on this pretty pathetic situation? The dreaded dear Leah had crept into my life once again. It happened subtly but swiftly and ruthlessly, in sniper mode, as it goes with these little foxes that destroy the vineyard (Song of Solomon 2:15). I was giving feedback about a few business activities from my side during our cocktail-hour meeting. Paul made observing comments that made me feel that I was not acting responsibly and in the company’s best interest. It might not have been valid. It might have come from a place of his own fear. But they were logical and not meant with ill intent. I responded with defensiveness. He reacted with irritation. And thus awoken Leah. The one who is misunderstood, undervalued, and not loved. The victim. The imposter. Not worthy to be at the side of this phenomenal, funny, warm, wise, attractive, and talented man.

Battling with Leah

So there I was. On the back of the Harley, with a salty taste in my mouth. And I was battling with Leah. How did she dare show her face in our marriage again? Did she not know that my husband proved his love to me over and over again during these 23 years of being married? Did she not see that he loved me at my worst? During my chemotreatment when I had cancer. During my battles with vicarious trauma (secondary trauma due to hearing and seeing lots of trauma as a medical social worker, especially during COVID). During the loss of my private social worker practice last year, During my stress after an armed robbery at our house where we were held hostage for two hours. So many seasons we have endured. And what about accepting my body through all these seasons? Did Leah not see that he has more than accepted my body? He treats me like a Rachel even though I’ve had a hysterectomy and am menopausal. (I don’t want to go into the nitty gritty here, but men, be forewarned! Menopause brings clothes scattered throughout the house as we dress and undress, depending on the hot flushes. Menopause brings sleepless nights and night sweats. Menopause brings tiredness, brain fog, and irritability. Menopause brings a menopausal body with changes that do not look good). My husband treats me like a Rachel even though I’ve had a double mastectomy (thank goodness with reconstruction, but to be frank, the ” balloons” are not quite the real deal). And he treats me like a Rachel even though I have gained many unwanted kilograms during my latest cancer treatment over the last two years. So, what is Leah’s problem? Can she please just get a move on already!

So there I was. On the back of a Harley, arguing with Leah. She is a familiar character in my life. I have nurtured and fed her for extensive periods during different life seasons. At some point, I guess she became a part of my identity to a great extent. She is not anymore, but now and then, she dares to try and get a grip on me again. Get her nails in under my skin. Make me believe that I am not loved (or not my husband’s first love, at least). If I give her two seconds, she will make me believe that Paul only shows me love because he has to, because he loves God and made a vow to God. She’ll make me believe that I am not the one he wants to be married to. He wanted to be married to that young, skinny, adventurous, and friendly girl he fell in love with before we got married. He does not want to be married to this fat, ageing girl. He also does not want to be married to this grumpy, irritable girl.

Interlude – who was Leah?

Maybe I should pause here to explain a bit more about Leah. Some of you might know her story in the Bible very well. Leah was Rachel’s sister with the weak eyes. Jacob fell in love with Rachel and worked seven years for her father to get her as a bride. He loved her very much. Laban, Rachel’s dad, was scared that it would not be easy to get a husband for Leah due to her appearance. So, he tricked Jacob into marrying Leah. They shared the marriage bed after the wedding, but in the morning, Jacob realised he had made love to Rachel’s ugly sister, Leah. A week later, Jacob married Rachel as well, and there they were, interlocked in this marriage triangle with Jacob and his two wives – one loved and the other an imposter. Jacob treated Leah as his wife, for we know that he had a whole bunch of children with her and then later with her slave as a concubine. But throughout the story, we see that he loved Rachel more. ( See Genesis 29:1-35 for the detailed story).

Leah in our past

Now, here is more context about Leah’s presence in our marriage. When we got married, little did Paul know that he would be in for a joy ride of my yoyo fat/thin and grumpy/friendly modes through the seasons of our marriage. An interlude of Rachel/ Leah seasons:

Early marriage

Paul got his first “Jacob-woke-up-and-behold-it-was Leah” scare shortly after we married. Paul woke up one morning and decided to stop smoking (we were both smoking at that stage). I followed like a good wife in his footsteps. But I then picked up 15 kg in three months. This scared the living daylights out of Paul. Lucky for him, I managed to lose some of that weight again in months to come, but the battle was on. The lie entered that Paul would only love me if I were thin and beautiful. I had my first Leah-moments.

Pregnancies

Pregnancies happened, and it did not treat my body well. I have gained 15 kg with the first pregnancy and 30 kg with the second. Unlike most other women, I did not lose weight whilst breastfeeding my newborns. My body held on to that weight for dear life, and I had to put in a battle of note to lose it again. Leah walked alongside this journey, too.

Toddler years and Cape Town semigration

Then, the season of sleep-deprived mommyhood hit me, where there’s no time to go to the toilet, let alone go to the gym. In the midst of these, I have managed to lose the pregnancy weight, but despite that, our marriage got quite shaky during this season. We have moved from Gauteng to Cape Town, away from all family and friend support. Paul enjoyed a thriving career and theological studies part-time, whilst I felt locked into a cage with two toddlers hanging on me wherever I went. We then stayed in a house with the most beautiful 180-degree view of Blouberstrand and Table Mountain. Paul thought, “The man has delivered”, like Nemo’s dad in the movie. My depression and neediness took him aback. I, on the other hand, felt lonely and isolated while watching my husband disappear into a dark space of irritability and distraction.

I recall a particular incident during this toddler-mommy phase: I woke up in the morning with a near-bursting full bladder. Before I could go to the toilet, our baby boy started crying. It turned out he had a dirty nappy, which I changed first. Then he was hungry, so I quickly went to the kitchen to make a bottle. Enter the living room and see that the dog messed up on the carpet. That will have to wait for later. I made the bottle. In came our toddler daughter, now also ravenously hungry. In the meantime, the bladder is still threatening to burst at any moment. Enter dad—first words from Dad: A complaint about the dog poop on the carpet. Enter Leah. Suddenly, I became the victim, unable to have the luxury of going to the toilet and running around to serve everyone, yet not serving well enough. Poor Paul could not understand what the hell was going on with his wife when my lid flipped. “What are you on about woman?” would probably best describe his expression in relation to my reaction.

<<Paul’s sneaky edit; yes, sort of like this:>>

Leah’s field day

At some point during this season with small kids, we started working through Marc Driscoll’s series on “Real Marriage”. We both love Christ and tried to navigate this marriage conflict the best we could. During this time, Paul thought it would be helpful to share specific actions from his side, which might have made me feel like a Leah and not a Rachel. Instead of clearing the air, this threw me deeper into the spiral claws of Leah. I felt rejected and not-good-enough. Instead of embracing the more open connection, I turned into myself. Leah had a field day during this season. One resource that helped me understand how Paul and I missed the mark with our marriage then was John Piper’s “This Momentary Marriage”. In this book, he explains how a wife’s position as a wife is not dependent on her husband’s love for her. The instant the wife makes a covenant to God to be her husband’s helper, she earns that position no matter what. Come to think of it, even Leah had that position. Enjoying and living out one’s role as a wife only fully comes alive when we understand this concept. John Piper says that submitting to one’s husband should not be an act dependent on the actions or attitudes of the husband but purely an act of grace. Because we have received Christ’s grace, this grace should be given unconditionally. I know these are tough words, but for me, it helped to take Leah by the ears and throw her out of our marriage: God has led Paul and me to the place where we made the covenant. He wanted me to be Paul’s wife. Should I then not trust Him enough to guide me to be the best version of helper and friend that I could be for Paul? (See Ephesians 5:22-24 regarding teaching about submission).

Worker bee season

Then I hit worker-bee season. Our young kids were now school-going, with extra mural activities. I tried to juggle the roles of wife and mom whilst having ill parents to take care of, as well as managing trauma cases at the hospital all hours of the day. I have started my own practice, doing all the claims and admin myself and, in my spare moments, trying to resolve conflict and HR issues with the parents’ carers. Paul was very understanding and supportive, but my stress levels and my weight were yo-yo-ing, and so was Leah’s presence in my psyche. I tried to get rid of her by going on a strict diet and managed to get to my pre-wedding weight. Rachel appeared, and we entered a season of genuine fun and connection.

Unfortunately, it was not a happy ever after. During the later stage of this season, we moved from our rental house and finally entered the house-buyers market. We did not have to take care of the parents anymore, so there was less pressure from that end. But other pressures pushed in. Moving, renovating furniture, and looking for a new house to buy was highly time-consuming. I had employed people to help with the practice by now, so I had more freedom but also more responsibility in terms of salaries and management. Our dear domestic worker died just before our moving house and unearthed me in a big way. She was such a pillar of love and support. Suddenly, things went wonky again in our marriage. I saw the dark clouds of irritability and distraction thickened on Paul’s side. He also had to deal with a lot. A bullying landlord, financial pressures, a merger at work, and a project that took him away from home quite a bit. I felt exhausted, overworked, and stretched beyond capacity. Paul probably saw only the tip of the iceberg – a grumpy wife who does not make time to exercise and eat well. So I fed Leah quite a bit, ensuring she knew I was not welcome in the marriage.

Covid

Then we bought and moved into a house. And the tension disappeared like mist before the sun. I don’t know if it was because we had less stretched schedules, less travelling time, less financial pressures, or what caused the air to clear here, but Leah decided not to move house with us—entered Rachel for a bit. It was weird because Rachel would historically only be there during my “thin-and-slim” seasons. This time, though I was gaining weight, yet Paul treated me like the helper and friend he always wanted—still a mystery to me.

A few months after we moved house, COVID hit. The first three months were actually such a blessed experience for us as a family. We laughed, watched series, and spent time together like never before. Paul worked from home, and I also did not have to go to work on-site, so we often had “five-minute- dates” around the coffee pot in the kitchen. We got a new puppy, and that completed the picture. Rachel felt loved.

Then I had to go back to the hospital. My schedule and stress level turned from 0-100. I worked long shifts to help families in need, trying to facilitate connection and saw a tremendous amount of trauma in a very condensed time. This left me for a distracted, tired, weight-gaining wife. In the midst of this, Paul was amazing. He made me feel like Rachel and carried our family in this time. He started his own business during COVID-19, bringing more lifestyle and financial freedom. I could sense his relief, and it was good for us. Even when he had to travel towards the end of 2021, Leah stayed clear, and I was thankful for that.

The Trial of Cancer

We said goodbye to 2021, not knowing that 2022 would be a pivotal year in our journey. Early in 2022, I was diagnosed with advanced-stage ovarian cancer (see the C-Club series blogs, starting here). Strangely enough, this was one of the best seasons in our marriage so far. Maybe it was that I was relieved from the pressures of trauma work; perhaps it was the fact that I was able to lose weight and get close to my ideal weight (and, of course, then be more of a Rachel in my own eyes). Maybe we were putting life into perspective and holding it more lightly because it is fleeting. I don’t know, but it felt like I could do nothing wrong in Paul’s eyes during this season. I had time to be close to God and spent much time in His presence. Who knows if that was the reason for my peace and calm. All I know is that Paul enjoyed me being friendly and at ease. Rachel was thriving and loved.

The Trial of Healing

Just like weather changes, the scenery changed when I learned that I was miraculously healed. One day, I could do nothing wrong; the next day (or it felt like that), I was Leah again. I hit a severe depression during this stage, coming across as thorny and critical. Although I have been declared cancer-free, I had to start a new cancer regime, which made me tired, nauseous, and irritable. But because it was not as severe as chemo, and because there was no cancer to be treated, people would think that I am now living a normal life again. We were renovating our house during this stage. Financial concerns about my practice and an audit from one of the medical aids were putting pressure on me. In the meantime, Paul thought it was an excellent time to start a very intricate and time-consuming diet. <<Paul’s sneaky edit: this was to get me into a shape that wasn’t round, especially because Ronel has been eating so well and healthy. It was a Discovery Vitality eating plan, and while the recipes are great they are particularly time consuming to prepare>>. And he thought it would be the ideal time for me to start getting involved with his business. It all felt completely overwhelming. I felt useless. How could I not get my act together? I have handled way more in the past. What is going on now? Paul could not understand either. You see, he still did not know Leah was living in our midst. I was gaining weight again (despite this horribly time-consuming diet). Things were out of control, and I was miserable. I think I have really made life difficult for Paul and the kids. I was constantly in battle with Leah and working with God to figure out how to be a better wife and friend. Again, God pointed me to the fact that my peace and security need to come from the fact that God has chosen me to be Paul’s wife, and therefore, I need to cling to Him, not my circumstances. I praise God for Paul’s maturity as we worked through this battle and found each other again. I chose to believe that I am Rachel even when I felt like Leah and God showed His miraculous power in changing the weather in our marriage once again.

Fresh Lessons from Leah in this current season

Our most recent season probably sealed the fact that Paul chooses to see the Rachel in me and not the Leah. During the last year, I’ve had my mastectomy and my menopausal symptoms have wreaked havoc. The cancer treatment makes me nauseous, and all that helps is to eat greasy (like in hangover-kind) food. The result is a massive battle with weight gain again. Throughout this, Paul just accepted this season and loves me fully. He is truly amazing.

We continue to feel storms and ups and downs, but God brought an immense certainty and knowledge that He is in control. He can bring miracles in a marriage again and again and again, as it glorifies Him. He brought a miracle through the marriage between Leah and Jacob’s lineage, namely His Son Jesus Christ. He chose Leah to be pivotal in that lineage. Her experience as an imposter was not true, as God had put her there. The story is not as polarised as it looks at first sight. If Leah could stop competing with Rachel for Jacob’s love and accept that God had put her there and blessed the whole world through her offspring, life might have been more enjoyable for her. It is fascinating to read about the birth of this offspring of Leah who brought blessing, namely Judah. Three sons were born to Leah before Judah, and each time, Leah thought that would make Jacob love her/ see her/ be attached to her. With the birth of Judah, her words were, “This time I will praise the Lord”. Her focus was on God, not her husband’s love or approval. If there is anything to take home from Leah’s story, it is that she praised the Lord indeed through giving birth to Judah. And she became mighty in the history of Christ’s lineage through Judah (Genesis 29:31-35).

Resuming the bike trip home

So there I was. On the back of a Harley, when my husband said, ” I am sorry”. And in an instant, all the little foxes were caught. In just one mighty blow. Leah’s ghost evaporated into thin air. I was Rachel again.

I am truly blessed to experience my husband’s love. To know “my beloved is mine and I am his” (Song of Songs 2:16). But I have also come to know through this journey with Leah that whatever God’s plan is for our lives, we will be blessed if we cling fast to Him (Rom 8:28; Matt 6:33; Phil 4:4-7; Ps 16:11; Ps 37:4). If I put Him first and love Him, He WILL make a way even when things are difficult. Even if Paul did not love me, as Jacob did not love Leah, God would provide if I honour the covenant that I have made.

May this story encourage those in difficult times undergoing challenging seasons in their marriage to persevere and keep on seeking God’s presence. May those who are unloved feel God’s cover and love where husbands don’t do it. And may those like me, who got trapped in the lie of being an imposter in their own marriage, be freed and be able to bless their husbands and families with the wife and mother they long for.

PS: For all the Harley riders out there, just a side note. Of course, you know that when the Switchback entered the scene, the real Rachel rode into Paul’s life. I had to take the back seat (literally). I am happy with the arrangement though, because at least I don’t have to offer her mandrakes to be with my husband. I can tag along with the ride, as long as I occasionally step out of the frame when he wants to take a photo of his dear bike.

<<Paul’s sneaky edit: Hey, I do SOMETIMES allow you to be in the picture with my bike! Like this one. See? #ilovemywifemorethanmyharley 🙂 >>